I’m not supposed to talk about it. The doctors, my husband, even my own mother—they all say it was a ‘psychotic break,’ a ‘trauma response.’ But I know what I felt. What I still feel, sometimes. And the worst part? I miss it.
Last autumn, my sister and I rented a small stone cottage in the windswept countryside of Connemara, Ireland. We wanted to escape the city, to find peace in the rugged landscape of peat bogs and ancient field walls. The cottage was charming, but the surrounding moors felt strangely alive, like the earth itself was breathing. I couldn’t shake the sensation of being watched, of a presence lurking just beyond the edge of my vision, in the swaying tall grass or the gnarled, twisted trees.
The first night, as I lay in bed listening to the wind howl, I heard it. A voice, smooth as polished river stone, speaking my name. It wasn’t my sister’s voice, and it wasn’t coming from the hallway. It was inside my head, yet felt impossibly close, like lips brushing my ear. I pulled the duvet over my head, shivering not from the cold but from a terror that seemed to seep into my bones.
The next weeks were a blur of unease. The voice returned, always at night, always calling my name. But something changed. Instead of fear, a wave of heat would rush through me, starting at my core and spreading outward like a fever. The cottage had no central heating, and the autumn nights were freezing, yet I would sweat through my pajamas, my skin prickling with a strange, electric ecstasy. I began to anticipate the voice, to crave it.
One night, I had my iPod docked in the old stereo, the classic rock playlist shuffling. The voice came again, louder this time, and my whole body went rigid. But this time, it wasn’t just the voice. The music began to distort, warping into a high-pitched, agonizing screech. The stereo’s speakers emitted a burst of static so violent it felt like needles in my ears. And then, through the chaos, I heard my own voice, but wrong—twisted, layered, as if speaking from the bottom of a deep well. It was saying, ‘Let me in.’
I snapped the power cord from the wall, but the static continued, emanating from every corner of the room. The voice, my voice, grew more and more desperate, and the heat inside me swelled to unbearable levels. I remember collapsing, my head pounding, the air thick with the smell of ozone and something else, something metallic, like blood. Then, silence.
My sister found me the next morning, curled in a fetal position, the stereo in pieces, my iPod shattered. I couldn’t speak for hours. When I finally did, I told her I wanted to go back. I didn’t tell her why. I didn’t tell her that the voice had promised me something—a release, a connection, a truth that lay just beyond the veil. I didn’t tell her that even now, months later, when I hear static on the radio or the hum of a faulty wire, it’s not fear I feel. It’s longing. The voice still calls to me, sometimes in my dreams, sometimes in the silence of my apartment. And against all reason, I want to answer.